Why Do Men Cheat?
By Krewe de Becks.
April 21, 2010
Cheating has always been a point of contention between lovers*. Either the actual act or suspicion of such action can have harmful effects in a relationship and hurt any trust that existed
Recently I’ve had the opportunity to discuss the subject with various guys and, because it has become such an interesting debate, I’ve decided to open up the discussion to the rest of our audience. In my experience as a therapist, as a friend, and as an observer and a girlfriend, I can say that once we find out that we’ve been cheated on, we embark on an emotional roller coaster and respond in our own unique ways. I’ve noticed that one thing we seem to have in common is that, at some point in the process, we try to figure out “Why did he cheat?” Whether we believe that male behavior is basic or very complex, answering this simple one-worded question seems to be as hard as cracking an ancient Mayan code.
When discussing the subject with my male friends and acquaintances, I’ve been given many arguments as an attempt to answer this question. Some of those answers sum up to the following reasons [in no particular order]:1) Men are biologically prone to do so, in a Darwinian/survival-of-the-species/reproductive duty kind of thing. I was explained by a friend that biologically, men are programmed to “spread their seed”. Biologically, the rate at which they produce semen is linked to the evolutionary need to populate through multiple women. Thus, the argument goes, “our body betrays our loyalty by making us feel urges that we are too weak to resist”.
2) Men are culturally taught its relatively acceptable behavior. Many men and women have argued that infidelity is a product of our society. When a man has a mistress, it is either ignored, accepted, understood, or quietly frowned upon; as opposed to when a woman cheats, where she is ostracized from society, accused of abandoning her family and damaging her relationship(s). Furthermore, men do not receive the same moral outrage for their actions as women do.(Scarlett Letter anyone?) Additionally, men are trained to have many lovers and conquests. Thus, the switch to monogamy is not one which is easily switched.
3) Before men settle down with one woman (in marriage) they feel the need to seize every opportunity possible prior to the “lock down”- this has not only been an argument, but also a question. Some men who express their plans of settling down with their significant others have often expressed the sudden craving to chase after other women before they tie the knot. This is sometimes acted upon when the opportunity arises and the man believes he can get away with it, after the justification of his behavior.
4) The man is not emotionally connected to the woman/ not in love. Some of the guys that have confidentially explained to me why they cheated often express their lack of emotional connection to the woman. “I was simply not in love with her” has not been used as an excuse Per Se, but simply as an honest answer to the question. This brings a twist to the thought that “women are emotional cheaters [at first], and men are physical cheaters”. This justification brings a twist to argument #1, adding the emotional factor to the equation, and quashing the thought that it’s purely instinctive.
5) They are compulsive cheaters/have a sex addiction. Tiger Woods and Jesse James come to mind when I hear this. Is it clinically possible? Yes, within a certain behavioral frame. Does it sound like a questionable reason? Absolutely
6) Because they can. The first time I heard this I was outraged. “If you can get away with it, why not?” is not exactly the kind of response women out there wanted to get, but I did hear the argument often. This reason epitomizes the problem many women have understanding this issue. They seek reasons that make sense to them or that satisfy their angst. The problem is, sometimes the reason is as simple as “why not?”
7) Because he was drunk/high. Controlled substances do have a paramount effect on a person’s behavior and cognitive process, specially drugs. With alcohol, a more common story heard, the equation changes. You see, a person with an internal desire to do something may control that desire when sober. When alcohol is consumed, the person’s inhibitions decrease and, given the opportunity, the person will not be too shy to get to his or her desire. In other words, if you have been thinking about it, then the more you drink the more likely you are to do it. Thoughts about consequences go out the window. Guys tend to use this excuse a lot, as I’ve been explained, yet I fail to see it as a reason.
So, after much debate I am still wondering if there is an answer to “Why do men cheat?” and also, if there is such an answer, is it really an answer or just an excuse?
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