Law and Border

Dear President Barack Obama,

May I call you Barry? I know that I don’t know you, but I feel a certain kinship with you these days. We both share a similar conundrum: a crisis of identity, if you will.  You see, at the start of last week when I woke up, I was an American Citizen; Puerto Rican by birth, but still a natural born US citizen since I left my mother’s womb in the 1980’s. Now… I’m not so sure.

As a new week ends, I find that my birth certificate is no longer valid; my civilian status left to winds of fate. In addition, according to the state of Arizona, I’d be up shit creek without a paddle. To them, my status would be akin to that of an illegal immigrant who snuck into the US [looking for a better life] in the back of someone’s Ford El Camino with a dozen strangers.

Back in February, the Puerto Rico Legislature decided to invalidate all existing birth certificates in an effort to curb identity theft. That means that the birth certificate I had in my safety deposit box as a record of my birth, which I kept so I could present it whenever it was required (passport, work records ect.), is not even worth the paper it’s printed on. Now, if I need to present one, I have to go down to the appropriate government office and pay $5.00 every time I need one. Why? Because they will have expiration dates.

This measure was approved to detain identity theft in the US as figures state than almost 60% of stolen identities can be traced to Puerto Rico Birth Certificates. Statistics show that most of these used for illegal Hispanic immigrants.

Frak Me! Now Barry, I don’t know about you, but I have a lot to do during the week and it’s hard to fit in a visit to my local Registrar’s office between the hours of 9 am to 12 pm or 1:30 pm to 3:45 pm. 3:45 pm you say? Yes, I know it’s an arbitrary end time, but you see Barry, no government agency in Puerto Rico will work after 3:45. Even if they “close” at 5 pm, they stop answering the phone at 3 pm and won’t let you in the door. It’s a soul-sucking experience that drains the wallet and the mind. Getting a root canal with no anesthesia is actually a more pleasant experience. I should know, my dad’s a dentist and it ain’t pretty. I’ve seen grown men the likes of Andre the Giant cry like little girls.

I hear that if you choose to run for president in 2012 you’ll have to personally show them your birth certificate in order to be on the state ballot. Yeesh, I feel sorry for you, I do. You’ll have to take time away from focusing on health reform, the economy and national defense (in other words, running the country) so the Secretary of State gives his “ok”. I hope the person that has the job that day is not a “birther,” or you’re screwed! I hope is not another Katherine Harris wannabe! These people didn’t believe you back in 2008 when you released your birth certificate and the Supreme Court denied motion after motion questioning your certificate because the suits were “frivolous” and “lacking any merit”. It’s got to be tough; McCain was born in the Panama Canal and you were born in Hawaii, yet you’re ”not a valid US citizen” because you’re dad’s Kenyan…Ouch!

Sigh… but yeah, Barry, I know how ya feel. You see, cause in Arizona, not even my Puerto Rico Driver’s license counts as a demonstration of my US citizenship in Arizona! It’s like when I lived in DC, I had to carry my passport with me to all places to corroborate my ID! At least they believed me there. In Arizona… I’m not so sure.

New Arizona law states that the Police can detain people on the suspicion of not being a US citizen. Let me tell you, I’m paler than Marilyn Manson, but my Hispanic origins and name may get get me arrested for driving while Hispanic! Crap!

Oh Holy José, María, Jesús! (Pronounced Hey-Sues!) Manny, Gloria, Salma, J-Lo and Chele from the block! We’se all getting a one way ticket to the big house!

The new law also makes it a crime not to have your immigration papers with you at all times. So if I forget my ID and I go to the grocery store and pay with a credit card… is the clerk going to arrest me for buying eggs, cheese, tomatoes and capers without a valid ID? So long Brunch!

So Barry, don’t feel bad about the whole birth certificate thing… at least you’re not alone. Eight million Puerto Ricans know exactly how you feel!

But, as Stephen Colbert says… “No Problemo!”

Sincerely,

Chele from the Block

PS Oh no! The trouble has already begun Barry! Georgia and Iowa are already confiscating birth certificates and refusing to accept them as proof to obtain driver’s licenses! Maybe we should call Jason Bourne and start a support group for stolen identities.

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